


This is why we can't have nice things

by FluffyGlitterPantsDragon



Series: The Joys of Public Service [5]
Category: Lucifer (TV), Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Cake, Cake and awards, Ella is Dr.Who fan, F/M, Gen, He hasn't quite got the hang of it yet, Humor, Lucifer really needs to learn how to human, Reveal, Trixie is adorable, Wings, feathers - Freeform, the crack continues, this is my brain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-25 03:54:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14968556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffyGlitterPantsDragon/pseuds/FluffyGlitterPantsDragon
Summary: Lucifer gets dragged back to the Hospital. He's not super happy about it.





	This is why we can't have nice things

In vivid contrast to all the dead bodies lying about, Ella bounced - literally - into the cold, sterile morgue on the lowest floor of Sacred Heart Hospital. She could have been arriving at a party and not a dreary medical suite full of stainless steel tables and chilly blue tile. “Hi! You must be Dr. Murphy!” She wore a light grey hoodie over a storm grey shirt bearing a placid stone angel statue.

Doug, already looking a little pale, dropped a chart on an occupied body bag in surprise when Ella pounced with a wide smile, throwing her arms around him in her traditional Lopez greeting.

“Hel _ -hhnnnngg-l _ o. Uhm. Call me Doug?” He stood frozen in her embrace, stiff and nervous.

She let go of him, throwing a glance at his current project, a dead man who had a long surgical incision stitched closed across his abdomen. “What killed this guy?”

He rubbed his hands together, interlacing his fingers. His shoulders hunched defensively. “Uhm. Surgeon didn’t close an intestine correctly after it perforated and he died of sepsis. Uhm. Who are you?”

Ella gasped. “I’m Ella! Lopez! LAPD? No one told you I would be here? I’m so sorry.”

The poor man’s eyes widened. “Oh, my God, am I under arrest? I haven’t killed a patient in like, a year, I swear.”

Ella hoped he was kidding. “Noooooooo. I’m a Forensic Specialist. I’m here to get a consult on one of our possible murder victims. Specimens and paperwork were sent over early this morning?”

His face relaxed slightly. “Oh! Mrs. Emily Rose, of course. I didn’t know anyone was coming here in person. The police usually wait to get a fax back unless it’s urgent. Is it urgent?”

“Actually, I’m killing two birds with one stone today.”

“Oh God, are there birds in there? In Mrs. Rose? How did I miss birds?”

She patted him. “Oh, you’re funny. No, I’m here with some friends and colleagues, they’re upstairs for the unveiling of the name plaque.” She pointed up at the ceiling for emphasis.

“Oh! I’m not allowed upstairs much.” Doug collected his board gingerly, and picked up another clipboard. “Yeah, it looks like your possible murder victim was a recently admitted patient. She received treatment here a month ago for a mild case of Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation and was prescribed blood thinners and some other drugs. Seems the clotting was a bigger problem than the bleeding. It would have caused her to bleed out faster than she otherwise should have from the wound, judging from the location and depth.”

“Oh?”

“The only problem is, she wasn’t taking all of her medications. I ran our own toxicology screen, and it didn’t actually show blood thinners in her system.”

Ella nodded. “Okay, so she’s back in the murder victim category and not an accidental death, yeah?”

“So, if someone killed her they expected her to be on blood thinners? Or that we would find them in her system? You know, she could have been taking something herbal instead of the prescription. If she was, she could still be an accident victim. I can send the original samples back up to the lab for a more detailed and wider toxicology report.”

“I can see it going either way at this point, but that would be helpful while the specimens are fresh. We don’t have a murder weapon  _ or  _ suspect - yet - and the department doesn’t like spending resources on a death that may not actually be suspicious."

Doug flipped to a  different  page. “The report here says she was found in her garage, right?”

“Yeah, a neighbor found her with the door open, her leg and femoral artery slashed on a circular saw blade - she bled out before she could call for help. So yeah, suspicious, but  could also be a freak accident.”

Doug tapped the bag of the dead body in front of them, thinking to himself. “We could have the lab run some more tests? Do you want to come upstairs with me? I’d feel a little better making the request with police backup.”

“Sure.”

“Sucker?”

“Sorry?”

Doug produced a few plastic-wrapped red lollipops from a pocket. “Helps keep my mouth from going dry all the time down here. Want one?” He pointed at her shirt. “Fan?”

She accepted one with a smile. “Dude, yeah. I met Tennant at a con. You have a favorite Doctor?”

“I never get a weekend off. —

“It’s great. You should go next time, we could go in for a group photo if he comes back.”

Doug froze again like she was trying to snare him in a trap. “Uhm. That’d be amazing?”

She punched him in the shoulder. “It’s fun to do nerd stuff together. I don’t bite.”

* * *

Chloe and Trixie loitered, waiting near the front desk for Lucifer. Trixie chatted with Aunt Carla in Spanish, grinning  from  ear to ear. Chloe picked up most of the conversation but wasn’t nearly as fluent as she would have liked to be. Today was a teacher workday, so she brought her daughter along to the hospital. Plus, there was supposed to be cake, which Lucifer would no doubt be horrified by.

He didn’t actually want to come back to the ‘topside hell-zone of fluorescent lighting’, but Chloe and especially Trixie insisted. Fortunately, her daughter was  _ mostly _ unaware of the ordeal that brought the adults to the hospital on their last visit.

Chloe’s reverie was broken when Trixie said ‘angel’ in Spanish. “Hey guys, not here, okay?”

Trixie pouted. “But they’re so pretty! And Carla saw them! And I don’t get to talk to anyone about it!”

She squeezed Trixie’s shoulder. “I know baby, we’re trying to keep it that way. I know it’s a lot to keep in.”

Carla pulled her hair back. “Hardly anyone here understands Spanish anyway” Her head jerked to the side. “- Oh, uh, hi, Janitor.”

Chloe jerked up. Despite his height, she hadn’t noticed the cleaning man leaning over his mop handle, eyeing Carla in particular. He made a motion toward his dark grey jumpsuit pocket, then stopped and patted his other arm casually instead. “Hello, Carla. Who’s your tiny friend here?”

Carla smiled up at him with open friendliness. “Well, our little visitor here is Trixie. She’s my very favorite niece, so you be extra nice to her.”

Trixie looked up at the tall man who had to rival Lucifer himself in height  and might, in fact, be even taller. “Hi!” She waved up at him, smiling in  her  pigtails.

“Hello, small person. You know, I have a sister named Trixie.”

“You do!?”

Carla shot him a long-suffering look, automatically responding without really thinking about it. “No, he doesn’t. Probably. He makes up stories all the time.”

Trixie’s face fell. Carla switched directions. “But maybe he does. Do you really have a sister named  _ Trixie _ ?”

He only looked a little affronted, nodding. “Yes, of course, I do. And she looks like you, little girl, but shorter.”

Trixie giggled. 

“She’s my age too, you understand. And she’s not even the shortest one out of all nine of my brothers and sisters. But Trixie and I are identical twins. We’re practically mirror images of each other.”

“You’re funny.”

“I’m glad you think so. I bet you’re funny too.”

He seemed nice. Chloe extended her hand. “Hello, I’m her mom, Chloe Decker. Her dad is Dan Espinoza, Carla’s cousin.”

He took it, giving a hearty handshake, and one to Trixie as well, who kept giggling. “I knew there had to be a relation to the one person in this place I like. Well, two I guess. Tops.”

Carla smiled with warmth. “It’s good to be friends with people who know how to deal with messes. I forgot you spoke Spanish too, I hope we didn’t startle you. Trixie and I were just playing a game, nothing serious.” 

He seemed to accept her explanation with a nod. Chloe tried to play back the words to figure out what he might have overheard, but couldn’t put much together.

Trixie was still smiling up at him. “Do you know Lucifer?”

He nodded. “Oh yeah, we’re on a first name basis.”

Carla smacked him in the arm. “I’m not going to tell you to be nice again. Lucifer is a real...person. He’s practically Trixie’s step-dad.”

Trixie’s smile shone as bright as the sun.

Chloe blushed.  “We’re not really there, yet. Plus, you know-”

“I know, sweetie.” She looked back up at him. “You get to meet him soon. He should be here any minute if you want to wait around. He’s quite a character. You could even call him a guardian angel.” She grinned slyly. “Or did you meet him when he came to see Elliot?”

The Janitor -  _ Did he have a nametag?- _ frowned. “He came to see blonde doctor? I think I would have remembered a guy like that, but I do know a lot of guys with weird names.”

“So why the first-name-basis?”

“I could have sworn I told you I’m a Satanist. I talk to  _ him _ all the time. Of course, he doesn’t say anything back, but I’m sure he’s a busy man. Could be a woman I guess. I try to leave gender out of it.”

J.D. picked that moment to appear from around the corner, apparently having eavesdropped the entire time. “See, Carla, I told you he was evil.”

The man looked placidly at J.D., perhaps expecting these kinds of shenanigans. “Satan isn’t evil. Just misunderstood.”

“Exactly so.” Naturally, Lucifer appeared through the doors right then as well. “It’s nice to meet someone who doesn’t  _ automatically _ believe I’m evil incarnate.” He stepped up in a silver-tone suit and blood-red shirt and pecked Chloe on the cheek. “Daniel sends his regards. Police something-or-other work.”

“Ah,  _ man,  _ then.”

Lucifer gave the cleaning man a second look, tilting his head like a raven. “Ah. Interesting. Have we chatted? I feel like we have.”

The man cocked his head at Trixie. “See, I told I talk to Satan all the time.”

Lucifer cheerfully pointed. “Wait, you do sound a little familiar, are you that polite fellow who keeps asking to make squirrels slower ? Not my department, I’m afraid. Also, not really clear on why you’d make that particular request, but it’s still a nice change from demands for smiting random humans all the time.”

J.D. looked between them with utter disbelief, then at Carla, who shrugged, unsuccessfully suppressing a grin. “Don’t look at me, Bambi.”

The dark-haired doctor had a white coat now and otherwise seemed quite a bit calmer than the last time he encountered any of them. He deflated a little. “So, I owe you an apology.”

The Janitor responded, “Thanks! It’s about time!”

Lucifer just arched an eyebrow. “I think he means me.”

“So, I heard you came in, hurt pretty badly. I just wanted to say I’m sorry I thought you were actually the Devil. It’s good that Turk and Carla were able to take care of you.” He trailed off.

Carla prompted, “and?”

“And if I hadn’t treated Dan badly when he came by, you guys probably would have come to me too. I don’t want you to not be able to come to me as a Doctor, if you need medical help. It was unprofessional and I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted.”

Carla leaned into the group, quietly speaking, “J.D.’s dad passed a few weeks ago.”

Chloe’s eyes softened. “Our condolences. I lost my dad a long time ago. I hope you have good memories of yours.”

Lucifer nodded. “My Father-”

Chloe unsubtly kicked him. 

“-is not Someone I want to spend time with. In any case, I am still the Devil, so you’re correct there. In any case, I do hope he’s not-“

_ Kick. _

“Sorry for your loss. My Father won’t stop interfering in my life.”

J.D. looked away. “I’ve been jumpy. My brother is hanging around ever since and he hasn’t been dealing with it well.”

“I’m not on good terms with my  _ brothers, _ either. One, in particular, won’t bloody leave me be.”

“So are you going to tell me what happened? Turk won’t give me a straight story. For the last month, he’s told me everything from him,” gesturing at Lucifer “being a superhero, a mutant, a secret government experiment and  _ actually  _ Satan - which now he can’t be, since he was hurt and needed surgery. You’d tell me if any of that was true, right?”

She matched Lucifer smirk for smirk. “I think Luci should tell you himself. If he wants to. But if I were him, I  _ wouldn’t _ .”

J.D.  _ whined.  _ “Carla!”

“Well, what did Todd say?”

“Apparently  _ someone  _ got him to sign an NDA - and he won’t say anything. He won’t even  _ show _ me the NDA!”

Janitor asked, “What happened?”

Carla looked around conspiratorially, then leaned in closer to the janitor. “Lucifer came in injured a few weeks ago. We did our paperwork shuffle thing and now he’s all better, as you can see, thanks to my man, plus Elliot and Todd.”

“And not ‘hey you’?”

“J.D. got left out of the loop.” She grinned. “He doesn’t know  _ anything.” _

Trixie hugged Lucifer as he tried to edge away. “Uncle Turk fixed his wings!”

Lucifer patted Trixie on the head. “Quite.”

Chloe took her daughter back by the hand. “Remember what we just said, Monkey?” 

J.D. went a little glassy-eyed. “Wings?”

The janitor reached to the pocket he avoided earlier and fished out a single rough looking, cleaned, white feather. “Is this yours?”

Lucifer inspected it. “Ah. Sorry about that. Keep it. You are a Satanist after all. One of the good ones too, apparently, even if your prayers make no sense.”

He nodded in return, re-pocketing the divine token. “I take care of my own revenge.”

“Lay off on the squirrel requests, though, would you?”

“You got it.”

J.D. threw his arms in the air with an extended _“Auuuuuuuggggh”_ and stalked off.

Chloe looked at Carla. “NDA?”

She whispered, “I typed one up myself after you guys left and had both Paige and Todd sign them. Paige isn’t interested in talking and Todd thought it made him part of a government conspiracy, so he’s ecstatic over it. He’s taking the secrecy thing very seriously, except that he’s telling everyone he  _ has _ a huge secret, but not what it is. If he talks,  h e’s under threat of not being allowed to help should any other ‘X-Men’ show up needing help. It was very effective. Even Cox is  _ dying _ to know what happened.”

Chloe grinned. “Good idea. I do actually feel a little bad for your friend though. Do you think he’ll be able to handle the truth when Turk finally tells him? Do you think he  _ will  _ tell?”

She retained a shit-eating grin. “At this point? There’s no evidence, except that feather, I guess. We deleted all the x-rays, and Kelso was more than happy to fudge the paperwork with the donation Lucifer made- Kelso doesn’t even know it was Lucifer himself who was here, probably assumes it was an errant family member. Honestly, I think Turk is still having too much fun just changing the story every week.”

The Janitor’s face brightened. “You mean I get to hold this over his head forever? I like all of you slightly more, suddenly.”

“You guys should head upstairs.” Carla came around the desk to hug Lucifer, who leaned away. “Oh stop it, Chicken Little, I  _ own _ your ass now.” 

He smiled mischievously. “If only your husband would let you do something about it.”

She didn’t back down, batting her lashes. “More like my cousin. That’d be a little too close to home.” She squeezed him tight, humming. “I’m so happy you came back. I’m sorry I won’t get to come upstairs for your plaque ceremony, but I’m on shift.”

* * *

Dr. Kelso pasted on his best ‘sucking up’ face when Lucifer, Chloe, and Trixie approached down the hallway, visitor badges dangling. Chloe wore a nice dark jacket over her work clothes.

Kelso himself had largely abstained from the legwork but happily showed up to take credit. Lucifer suspected coming in that the Chief of Medicine wasn’t going to be his favorite human. Meeting him confirmed it.

Elliot clasped her hands excitedly when they exited the elevator. 

She had found and dragged J.D. along, without actually telling him what the ceremony was for. A simple black cloth hung over a wall-mounted square outside the Surgical Theater. 

J.D. was much less enthusiastic about the parade of people, but he looked more curious than annoyed. Molly happened to be in town again and made an appearance, honey gold hair cascading down her shoulders. she wiggled her fingers at Lucifer. 

Turk couldn’t make it either, but Ella and a doctor Chloe hadn’t met before appeared from another intersecting hallway. Both had lollipops. A few other curious onlookers gathered, drawn by the crowd and prospect of cake.

A bland, store-bought chocolate sheet cake sat off to one side, which earned hopeful looks from Trixie and disdain from Lucifer, as predicted. 

Dr. Kelso gave the new guy a stony glare, then greeted the trio. “You must be the man responsible for this. Glad you could make it. Please know you’re welcome here anytime and we hope you’ll come to us again in the future for anything you need.” Rote and flat. 

Chloe blinked.  _ More like ‘kiss ass’ than ‘suck up’.  _ She made a note to ask how much the ‘donation’ amounted to. She had a feeling the numbers would make her head spin. 

Lucifer cleared his throat. “Yes, well, we wouldn’t be here if you didn’t have such a fine bunch of doctors.”

“This must be your lovely wife-?”

Chloe took his hand, “We’re just here for support. I’m Chloe and this is Trixie.”

Kelso broke his facade with a wink. “Say no more.”

Trixie hid a little behind her. Lucifer looked like he wanted to go home as fast as possible, by flight if necessary.  _ Wait, does this asshole think I’m his  _ mistress?

“Without further ado, and I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re just here for the cake, join me in the christening of the-” Kelso whipped the nameplate covering off. “...really?” He coughed. “Lucifer Morningstar Surgical Theater.”

Scattered applause broke out from about half the people present. Elliot hopped up and down, clapping madly. Clearly, Dr. Kelso had been left out of the loop as far as humanly possible.

They posed for a photo and Trixie made a beeline for the cake.

* * *

A short time later, Elliot brought the remaining cake into the Doctor’s Lounge. Ella, Chloe, and Trixie went with her, enjoying the side trip. “Are you having fun, Trixie?”

The girl nodded, her face smeared with chocolate. Chloe spotted a sink and excused themselves to clean up. Ella glanced around the room. “This is your break room?”

“Home away from home. Is yours any better?”

“We have a flat screen instead of that box up there. You guys need to get with the times. No offense.” 

“Kelso won’t spring for anything that’s not broken. But at least we have that. I'm glad you dropped in. How have you been, girl?”

Ella smiled. “Great! It’s nice to put a face to a name down in the morgue, and your lab techs. It really helps communication between our departments, you know? Dr. Murphy is helping us out with a probably-murder victim, who was a patient here."

“Uh.”

“Doug isn’t responsible. He seemed a little concerned about that.”

“Yeah, he’s not the best doctor for living patients. He’s a great pathologist though. He actually helped identify a number of things  _ not _ to do with patients. He’s been a lot more helpful down there than up here."

Chloe came back with Trixie as another tall, springy-haired man came into the lounge followed by J.D., who chattered after him. “I’m telling you,  _ one  _ of the things Turk told me  _ has  _ to be true-” He stopped, “Oh, hi, uhm.”

“Chloe. Decker. From like, an hour ago?”

“Sorry, I’m terrible at names. But great at nicknames.”

Trixie looked up while holding her mom’s hands with both of hers. “My nickname is ‘Monkey’”

J.D. crouched to be closer to her eye level. “Well, I have a lot of nicknames, but you can call me…’the most awesome scooter driver in the universe.’ Does your mom have a nickname?”

Trixie twisted to look up. “Lucifer calls her ‘Angel’, sometimes.”

He blinked. “Huh. Really?”

Chloe blushed.

“I call her Mom.”

“Where is your Devil-Dad anyway?”

Trixie giggled.

Chloe squeezed her daughter’s hands, smiling. “Lucifer is looking for Dr. Cox, actually, he wanted to say hello before we left.”

Springy-hair had plopped on the couch, turning around at the name mention. “That’d be me, then. Satan told me all about you. Sorry, not sorry, I missed the thing, but I re-e-ally hate ceremonies. That said, I  _ assure _ you I’m going to be endlessly entertained every time someone asks me about the name on the plaque. Which way did Old Scratch go?”

The Devil himself appeared in the door frame. “Ah! There you are, Perry!”

J.D. groaned. “Cake  _ and _ he gets to call you ‘Perry’?”

”Grow up to be big and strong and someday you’ll be able to call me ‘Perry’ too. Hey, Satan. Care to have a seat?”

Lucifer side-eyed the available couch space. “I think I’ll stand. Thank you.” to J.D., “Please feel free to have the entire rest of the cake. I’m not taking it home.”

“He’s not  _ actually _ Satan.”

“Of course I am.”

“Of course he is.”

Chloe snickered. Trixie looked up at her mom, who just said, “No.”

Ella looked hopefully up at J.D., arms wide. She smiled with a ‘you know you wanna’ face.

He feigned non-interest for about two seconds before accepting the hug. Ella squeezed him tight. “You give pretty good hugs, man.”

“Are you kidding? I give the best hugs here. It takes years of practice to develop a good technique.” 

Ella hummed happily in an extended hug. “it does take a special person to be that giving, she said knowingly. Not everyone appreciates the amount of work required to build up those arm muscles.” She smiled up at her new friend. “Nice to meet ‘cha.”

“I guess I should let go.”

“Okay, then.”

Chloe coughed. “I’m sure the Doctor is busy today, Ella.”

Ella let go. “M’kay. Well, I’m done here so I’m heading back to the precinct. See you guys.”

Chloe leaned up to give Lucifer a quick kiss first, then joined Ella, “I’m going to walk out with you, we drove separately.”

Elliot waved at everyone and walked Ella back out. 

Dr. Cox waved vaguely. “You were looking for me?

J.D. held very, very still, much like ‘Bambi’ in a grass field, afraid of drawing attention to himself. 

Cox huffed. “You can stay unless  Beelzebub  says otherwise.”

Lucifer, “I don’t come by often, just wanted to catch one of my new favorite humans. It’s actually kind of strange knowing some I don’t see every day at work or, say, my therapist or demon."

“That’s the problem with us. I recommend against making friends. You let some of ‘em into your personal circle and before you know it, your spare time is getting eaten up by the parasites. You get a few hangers-on and they’re up your ass for the rest of eternity.”

Lucifer smiled, a little sadly. “Ah, well, I’m afraid that’s not true in my case. I expect yourself and most others will not be joining me in the afterlife. And I frankly prefer it that way. I’d rather not see you there.”

“Makes it a lot easier to not believe in God, or well, ‘you’. I don’t need the distraction of wondering where my patients ‘go’ when they get cantankerous and shuffle off their mortal coils on me.” Cox looked off, at some memory.

“It’s just as well. It’s too late to affect their destination at that point. However, I’ve learned to appreciate the delay of the inevitable. Doctors saved my- saved Linda, ultimately. I’ll miss her when she truly leaves this world.”

“You believe the people you know are going to Heaven? Cause most of the poor bastards I’ve known in my life aren’t.” Cox sounded more matter-of-fact than concerned.

“Know? Maybe or not. The ones I make deals with aren’t all on the up and up, but they aren’t necessarily doomed themselves. Those I have, what would you call it? A personal relationship with? Oddly enough, yes.” Lucifer grew reflective. “It makes the time I do have with them...important.”

“You seem to be okay knowing these things.” Cox’s tone edged into dangerous.

“It’s part of me. I can’t change who or what I am. I hold more knowledge than any human could  hope  to contain a fragment of. If I could keep you out of hell, I would.”

J.D. had a blend of suspicious and curious on his face. “The Devil doesn’t want people in hell?”

“Why do you think I’m taking a holiday? Hell isn’t pleasant.” He grimaced, looking away and absently brushing invisible something or other off his shoulder.

Cox made a face. “Assuming a  deity  persona is one thing. Pretending to be sure you know which way my- people are headed is another thing.”

“But I do. At least after the fact. If there’s someone you want me to check on…”

“If you really want to keep me as a friend, drop this. Now.”

Lucifer took a half step back. “You really do care, don’t you?” Something white ruffled at the edges of vision, then stopped again. He glared behind himself.

Cox blew air out his nose.

J.D. regarded them. Speaking slowly, “My dad wasn’t the best ever, but if there’s a hell, I don’t think he’s there.”

“There is.” Lucifer returned their looks of skepticism and pique. “Even if you don’t believe it.”

The younger doctor glanced over Cox. “You don’t think Ben-“

Cox started to climb over the couch, hauling himself off his seat. “Now, look here, asshole-“

Without so much as a ripping of suit fabric, Lucifer’s wings unfurled ever so slightly, in a defensive posture. He startled himself and glared at the offending feathers, not the humans. “Bollocks!” He forced them back out of view, clenching his jaw. “I should go.”

And he left.

**Author's Note:**

> To be concluded....


End file.
